Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
