Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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