I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
