conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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