She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i now understand why vodka
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize