I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
