i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
