Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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