i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize