I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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