Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
