I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
