I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
