there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
And then my night got REAL pukey
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
