Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
