there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize