I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
