Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize