so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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