im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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