Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
