Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
