We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
