So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
