Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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