Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
