just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
