He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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