i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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