I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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