I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
