K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
