Only a mothe r could love this liver
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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