Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
