That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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