I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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