that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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