I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
