Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We were destined to go to rehab together
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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