I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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