we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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