The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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