Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
