After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
