the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
