I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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