and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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