my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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