i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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