I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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