my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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