i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize