Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize