My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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