I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
