my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
