MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
