I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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