After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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