im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
