I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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