Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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