im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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