textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
