apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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